Left & Lost
by Phaelas
Summary: When confronted with his worst fear, Alexander has a moment of clarity.
1. Left

Title: Left

Author: Phaelas

Rating: G

Pairing: Alexander/Hephaistion

Author's notes: I was in a dark mood, and a dark scene drifted into my head.

* * *

The man stumbled over to the bed, seemingly exhausted, and let himself fall on it face down. His shoulders slumped as the air floated out of his lungs in a long sigh, and he turned his head to the side. His dark eyes were dull, tears threatening to fall but didn't – he would not let them. A familiar voice outside.

"Let me in."

"He gave orders to let no one disturb him."

"Do you know who you are talking to? You have as much right to deny me access to this room as you have to deny the king himself. Let me in."

No guard could oppose words spoken in such truth and strength.

A second man entered the dimly-lit room, and his gaze rested on the motionless form on the bed. "Alexander…" Hurried footsteps carried him further into the room.

The blond man gave no reaction as Hephaistion knelt into his view, no reaction as clouded blue eyes examined his face. "Alexander!"

A hand reached out to touch the side of his face, and with a jerk Alexander rolled on his back. His voice sounded tired. "Their power has left me, Hephaistion. The Gods have left me."

The other man didn't move, his voice hesitating only the faintest bit when he spoke. "Of course they haven't."

"Yes they have." The words were sharp, and Hephaistion cringed almost imperceptibly.

Alexander's breathing was laboured. "On the moment the spear from my hand pierced his body, I felt it. They left me. Can you not see it?" He turned his head and their eyes met. "Can you not feel it?"

The dark-haired man sucked in a breath, and he slowly lifted himself and seated himself on the edge of the bed. "No," he responded with a calm voice. "The Gods would not leave you for doing what was right."

The dark eyes slowly became distressed as they looked upon the man towering over him.

Hephaistion tried his best to hide a growing uneasiness. "Alexander,-"

"No. No, Hephaistion, I see it now." Alexander reached up with his hand and slowly rubbed his forehead, breath slipping away. "You have not been touched by them, have you? Perhaps that is the reason for this punishment, believing that they shared their power with another as well…"

The other man's face paled, but still showed no sign of emotion. "You are upset-"

"It's too late. You to sit on my bed as if everything is the same… you were never an equal." Alexander's face dulled, eyes unseeing, his words soft and not directed at the stiffened form sitting beside him. "You are part of the legend only because I let you. You're not real. It was no divine power that made you this blinded in your faith. You don't feel it. It hasn't left you, because it was never there. I understand it now. You can't save me. Go away."

Hephaistion's mouth opened and closed, and for a moment his breathing stopped. "I never-"

"You couldn't know," Alexander cut him off. "My own dreams, my longing for a myth that I could create myself…" Finally his eyes returned to the ones that looked down on him with anguish that could no longer be hidden. "You are part of it only because I wanted you to be, Hephaistion. But this myth is my own. Go. Go now."

Alexander didn't see how Hephaistion straightened his back after he got up, how the one who he had once called 'Alexander' as well, left the room with eyes as unseeing as his own.

Hephaistion felt it now. The Gods had left them both.


	2. Lost

Title: Lost

Author: Phaelas

Pairing: Alexander/Hephaistion

Rating: G

Author's notes: Short sequel to Left. Set years after, when Alexander has to turn back to Macedon.

* * *

The camp was alive around him. A continuously humming sound, different from the silence, the tensed up silence he had somehow failed to notice. Alexander stood by the fire in front of his tent, cut off from the world. It was over.

Soft footsteps approached from behind him, but Alexander gave no reaction. He could not think of anyone who would come to him now, nor could he imagine finding any solace in it. He couldn't even tell the other to go as the tall form halted beside him. He was the owner of the silence now.

But silence did not scare the other off, for it was often his company. And so the king stood side by side with someone unknown, sharing in the quiet that drifted in the air, the heat of the fire taking it upwards until it mingled with the stars.

Finally, Alexander could not stop himself, and his eyes darted to the side. Honest surprise and awe flooded over his features as his lips quietly formed the name. "Hephaistion…"

He was so different. The eyes, darker. The hair, longer and dirty. A short beard that covered his chin and cheeks and hid the form of his face in shadows. A confident bearing speaking of calm acceptance.

Alien eyes met his own in silent understanding and Alexander felt frozen. Never had a stranger seemed so familiar. He gulped in new air as his insides twisted. Why did regret finally knock upon the doors of his heart? It had been too late from the beginning.

Hephaistion's gaze returned to the flames unaffectedly at Alexander's thoughts. There was nothing to say, and Alexander's unfortunate slip of the tongue was ignored.

But he had nothing left, and there was no more he could lose. "I've lost everything…" His broken voice carried the words softly into the night air.

Deep silence answered him. The words only needed to be spoken. And now that they were, they almost seemed a lie. It could not be… "The end. This is the end."

Perhaps it were the first words Hephaistion had spoken to him since they had parted. "Yesterday the world was the same, but today all is changed."

The words cut through his heart, and already feeling crushed, it nearly made his knees buckle. Hephaistion had grasped his confusion. "Yes," he breathed, holding on. "I don't understand." His mouth opened again but no more sound came out.

Hephaistion did not turn to him. "They had faith in you and it was enough. But they don't understand, Alexander." A short pause. "They never understood."

A shudder passed down Alexander's back, and slowly he began to realise what his old companion had just told him.

His own whisper did not carry far. "At least there's something left of you."

"I know." Hephaistion turned his head so that Alexander could see his light eyes, absorbing the firelight, and the glitter in them seemed part of the flames itself. Alexander had to push the memories away, for they were of times that would never return. The dream was dead.

His intuition called out a warning as Hephaistion took a step closer, but he was still pinned to the ground as a warm breath gulfed over his forehead, and beard and lips caressed his skin softly. "Thank you, Alexander."

The moment lasted longer than the motion actually took, and when it was gone, it all ended quickly. For the first time, the lack of Hephaistion's presence left a gap in Alexander's heart.


	3. Lost part II

Title: Lost part II

Author: Phaelas

Pairing: Alexander/Hephaistion

Rating: G

Author's notes: Jumps in right after the ending of Lost part I.

Hey Gabo0, thank you for your reviews! I explained a lot about this fic and why it's written like this in my livejournal, soyou could visit that (the link is my 'homepage') if you want to know what moved me. It's not so strange you are confused, since this fic is different from my others, but I personally feel it has more meaning than the others as well. I hope enjoy the new chapter, and thanks again!

* * *

Hurried steps took Alexander away from the campfire, as he surrounded himself with the darkness where Hephaistion had just disappeared, stumbling through the camp. "Hephaistion!" he called softly, being sure he wanted no one to hear that, no one to witness the broken soul of their king, but being past the point of caring all the same.

Was it possible for someone to disappear as the ghost he had seemed to be? But the tingling feeling of his forehead told him that if only for a moment, this person that understood – everything… - had been real. "Hephaistion!" Tears burned behind his eyes, his breath coming in short pants. He had awoken and was in this world again where he had never wanted to be, he'd better not be left alone after the other had mercilessly made him feel like this…

And he had nothing to call upon but a person he did not know.

"Hush, Alexander!" Hephaistion was suddenly behind him, a warm hand on his shoulder that turned him around.

What was he doing to himself? What was he doing to Hephaistion? "Stay!" he poured out helplessly. "Please, stay."

"Stay? As what would you have me stay, Alexander?"

The words pulled Alexander back down to earth. To say 'a friend' would be denial of what they both knew. A lie unlike all others, because once, they would both have claimed it to be the truth. But the truth was not that kind to either of them. And if they were not friends, why ask for this?

Alexander looked up to the other man's hidden eyes. "As someone who understands."

As Hephaistion let silence stretch out between them once more, Alexander closed his eyes and bowed his head, while slowly rubbing his frowned forehead.

If only he could just disappear from the world as his hope had done. It all mattered so little now.

Hephaistion's hand moved down to his elbow and gently tugged.

They returned to the place by the fire where they had stood only moments ago, but it was different, if only because Alexander was very much aware of the comforting touch. Maybe it could keep him away from the spinning of the storm.

When a gust of wind tugged on their hair, Alexander's let his head fall back, air filling his lungs. He smiled. "Would you go away with me if I asked you, Hephaistion? To find the end of the world, the great sea? Leave them all behind?"

"You know I would." The statement hung in the air for a moment, then Hephaistion whispered out: "But you're not asking me that."

It nearly scared Alexander how truthful the other's words were. He could not take that path.

His face sobered. "I'm a broken man. Will I lead this army one step further, in whatever direction? What strength is left in me after this?"

Hephaistion surprised him by suddenly pulling his arm away, and then turning to him, his eyes fierce. "You're a broken God, not a broken man."

Alexander let the words sink in slowly, his eyes never leaving Hephaistion's. That this man was the one to offer him another chance, a chance to just be a man again… "No mortal man can rule alone."

The silence was painful.

This would be the end. But only these words, followed by again being alone, would offer him no comfort. If he had never given any friendship - he needed it now.

Finally, Hephaistion cocked his head to the side, and replied softly: "And you cannot rule me."

Alexander thought the other would walk away, but Hephaistion just kept looking at him until Alexander looked away himself. What were the right words? Apologizing would be a mockery of everything they had been through. It had never been unfair, so much as unfortunate.

Alexander hardly had to look up to understand he was not the only one lost. He leaned forward and pulled the other man to his chest. Hephaistion's arms wrapped around him.

"Why?" Alexander spoke, trying hard to control his voice. "Our dream is gone, what is left for you?"

He felt Hephaistion take a few short breaths, then the other's soft voice reached his ear. "I once knew a boy. I wonder what has become of him."

Alexander remained silent, resting his head against a strong shoulder, his hands clenching the rough fabric of the other's clothes.

And life came to a halt. With eyes and thoughts now harshly removed from the horizon, there was nowhere else to be on this moment. The feeling was as new. Some sort of peace despite the loss of the world. If only he could hold on to this.


End file.
